Saturday, August 09, 2008

I"m so lucky

Friday 11pm and I've just reached home from a long day of work and lesson at Somerset. Had been feeling like crying since morning when I woke up. 1 whole week of lacking of sleep due to those overweight elephants living upstairs + 3 whole months of accumulated stress.

Reached home and just sat on the sofa. Accumulated stress and tiredness came crashing down. Even though Dar kept talking to me but I didn't want to reply . I just sat there and closed my eyes. Tears just roll down my cheeks. Dar had a fright that I can just cry like that.

He lends me his shoulder and I just cry and cry... silent tears.... he kept asking me what happened but I didn't say. Not that I don't want to tell him. Not that there is nothing to say. I'm just scared that the moment I say it out, my tiredness and stress will become even more real.

He finally managed to drag me away from the sofa and into the room to our red bean bag. I just sat there and didn't want to move. Dar keep asking me, want to bathe? Want to eat? Want to change into comfortable home clothing? I just keep shaking and nodding my head but still unwilling to move away from the bean bag.

I can see Dar was trying to calm me down and was scared that my asthma attack will come again. But I just didn't want to move from my comfort zone even though I've stopped crying. I told Dar and said if I move, my comfort zone will vanish and I won't find such a comfortable position on the bean bag anymore. He promised me he will maintain the shape of the bean bag so that it's still comfortable. I guess I just want to say that I am too tired; I don't want to move, talk or do anything. But when I look at his face and the effort he put into encouraging me "Jia you~" when I'm on my way to class. And I've said something 过份when I replied him that even "Jia you" will not ease my tiredness, stress and unhappiness. I decided to relent but I still can't bring myself to stand up.

Dar proceeded to carry me to our master bedroom. (And I'm not light at all~!) while he carried me, tears just flow out again. He was shocked when he saw that I was in tears again he said "I thought you stopped~~ don't cry anymore, your eyes are red and you got nose block". So I just said "I'm tired..." and just started wailing like a little kid. He didn't say much but just hugged me and say "I know"... all the while patting me on my back. It feels great to be treated like a child. Sitting there while he waits on me hand and feet. (Guilty~~*)

I'm glad he is here. I'm lucky he stood by me and took my bad temper and mean words while giving me the support I needed. (Now he is trying to look over my shoulder to read what I am writing about him ;D)

I hope I can jia you. I hope I can be strong enough to go through next 2 months which are the toughest for me at work and at school. Can I do it? Numerous times I've mention that I feel like quitting and becoming a housewife but yet felt glad that from someone who had never touched or studied accounting cept my current course, I can take up this job. Its an achievement for me.

Dilemma, Stress, Tiredness, Uncertainty, Achievement, Luckiness

How complicated it can be?

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